We're walking through, people!

I posted this earlier today on facebook and wanted to also share it here and expand it a bit... 

With the sad heartbreaking news of the death of actor Robin Williams there have been lots of conversations in the last few days on our radio stations, TV stations and on social media about depression and mental illness in general. I firmly believe that as a community we need to be talking about these issues more often. I think we are not so good at helping people who face or deal with mental illness…there is often a rush to help when someone has just found out they have cancer or they have had a heart attack,  but dear me you've just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder or depression or anxiety… we can’t help you or maybe it's just that we don't know how to help you, so we aren't going to do or say anything.

There have been any number of things that have happened in the last 2 years that have caused me to struggle with anxiety. It’s been hard. I have been angry. I have been sad. I have been overwhelmed. I have been depressed. I have been anxious. So take a little walk with me for a second because #thisistheface ...

I struggled a great deal with the Lord during a particular season of my life where I couldn't make sense of the feelings I was having. I couldn't understand how as a follower of Jesus I could keep trying to choose joy, but it felt like, at times, joy wasn't choosing me. And then one afternoon I was reading through Psalms and landed on Psalms 23.

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” 

And then it was as if the Lord hit me upside the head with a spiritual 2x4… I was going about this all the wrong way. I was trying to choose something that wasn't even a choice at that moment. Did you catch it? I made it bold because I didn't want you to miss my 2x4! "Even though I walk through..." Absolutely brilliant!

Never once did I hear the Lord say to me “choose joy, happiness, sunshine or rainbows”... He only ever asked me to choose Him. In the valley the Lord is my choice. And then slowly He picked me up and set me on my feet and then He began asking me to do something a little harder... He asked me to WALK THROUGH. To leave the place I was. To move forward. Which is not to undermine what I was dealing with, but I couldn't pitch my tent in the valley of anxiousness. I couldn't stay there. So that’s what I did; I started walking through the valley. I don't know what your valley is and sometimes the valleys may come for a day, a month or even years. When you're in the midst of something like this you may feel like there is no choice. I felt for time I didn't have any choices in the matter this was just the way it was, but then my 2x4 and I discovered that my choice, my only choice, is to walk through. Here me when I say this... it wasn't like I read a scripture and then jumped right up and sprinted out of that valley. No friends, there were days in the darkest of this valley that I could only muster one step, one tiny step, but the Lord met me with unwavering kindness.

If I just committed to walking through the valley a little each day He eventually picked up my pace and He carried me out. I was in counseling for several months and my counselor actually started asking me “how many steps did you take today” and it became this beautiful reminder that the Lord doesn't care if I have a smile plastered to my face or tears staining my cheeks it only matters that I choose Him.

Today was anxiety free, but things could change in an instant. I have equipped myself with education and a good therapist. So now I know if things start to feel more out of control than is necessary (hey I have 2 small children and never ending laundry there are areas of life that can be a little reckless) I can ask for help. I know where to turn for help.

So I am standing with my friend, Cory Dahlkamp, in the #thisistheface campaign because I think it's important that as a community we talk about these things. We must talk about mental illness. We must be open and honest and loving. We may even have people in our lives at work, school, church or right next door that need a hand to hold while they're walking through. We need to make sure people know that it's ok. You're not alone in any of this.

It is never an easy place that God puts us in when He asks us to reveal the most vulnerable parts of us to the world, but I would encourage you to be brave and stand with me!

As many of you know I love a good song... and you also know I love the band Carrollton and they released the official lyric video of their new song Holding On To You today. Ya'll this happened today, TODAY,  as all of this stuff is bubbling up in my soul they release this video, today... care to guess what it is about? Coincidence? I think not -- God is shaking things up. 

Because even in the darkest valleys we walk through the sun is gonna rise once again. 

Here we go.

So it’s been a long time since I have written a blog. A long time. I feel a little guilty about it only because writing is something I love to do, but I also love having a clean house, clean kids and a healthy marriage and a good night’s sleep so unfortunately this blog has taken a hiatus while my family has gotten busy living this life that the Lord has blessed us with.

I had really hoped when I was able to start this post that  I would be using this as a “catch up on the Hinsons post”, but there is other news to share.

As many of you know (through facebook) Henry had a shunt malfunction 2 days before Christmas and was in fact in the operating room on Christmas Eve. Henry had an MRI early that day that clearly showed his shunt was failing. The ventricles in his brain were enlarged and his syrinx, a fluid filled cavity in the spinal cord,  had nearly tripled in size.  A large syrinx is not a good thing, but more on that later. The hope was that when they replaced the shunt parts and it was working again that all of this would take care of itself.  We had a follow-up MRI on Monday and the results were mixed. His ventricles are back to baseline and look really good. His syrinx, however, is continuing to get larger and spread up the spinal cord. 

A syrinx is not a medical condition that happens on its own. It is however the result of an obstruction to the way that Henry’s Cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) flows. In Henry’s case he was born with something called a Chiari II Malformation. Which means that part of his brain grew down into the brain stem during development. We have been very blessed that Henry has not had problems with his Chiari, as it can cause breathing issues, feeding issues, hearing issues, etc., but it is causing the syrinx. So the way they will finally rid Henry of this pesky syrinx is to decompress his Chiari.

Henry has been scheduled for Chiari Decompression surgery on Friday.

This is not a simple surgery, but then again what surgery is simple? They will be operating at the base of his skull. The surgery involves removing the lamina (bone) from at least the first two vertebrae. The reason they do this to correct the syrinx is that it will create more space so the CSF has the ability to flow as it should naturally and not force itself into Henry’s spinal cord. This surgery is something we were really hoping to avoid; and his doctors have been keeping a close eye on the development of the syrinx over the course of Henry’s first year and there really isn’t another option. If left untreated we are talking about serious spinal cord damage as a result of the force of the fluid on the nerves in the spinal cord.  Henry will be in the operating room for 4 to 5 hours.  Once the surgery is complete Henry will be in the PICU for at least 24 hours, but realistically it will probably be 48 hour stay in the PICU. Henry is almost a year old now and how he understands and experiences pain is very different than when he had his closure surgery at 17 hours old or even with his shunt surgeries. He will be on a pain pump as well as some heavy duty muscle relaxers and once they see that he is doing well they will move us out of the PICU and we will spend a few more days on the neuro floor. Realistically we are looking at 5 to 7 days in the hospital.

I have committed to being honest about our family's journey with Spina Bifida and if you will allow me a moment of sincere honesty … this sucks. My heart hurts just thinking about what Henry is about to experience. I know without a doubt that we have made the right decision for Henry, but there are so many raw emotions that accompany things like this that if I allowed myself too I could fall into depression, I could fall into anger, I could fall into fear, but I am choosing every moment, with every breath, to fall into Jesus. 

I think I have talked here before just how much my soul is fed by music. When I had to relocate right before Henry was born it was my great fortune to be able to worship with dear friends at Center Point Christian Church, which is the church home of a few of the members of the Carrollton Band. I have long be a fan of their music, but on this particular night I heard a song of theirs that I hadn't heard before called Holding Me. That night it blessed me to my core and it has become one of my favorite songs. It has also become a go to song of mine in times where I need to be reminded that Henry is firmly in the hands of Jesus. 

The last few verses of the song will be my anthem over the course of the next few days. I will sing these words in the waiting room, I will sing these words at Henry's bedside, and they will be a constant reminder that the Lord, who does ALL things, is holding us firmly and tightly in His hands.

You are the one who walks on water 

You are the one that calms the seas 

You are the one that holds the Heavens 

And I believe you are holding me. 

You're the one who bring the morning

Fills the sky with Majesty

Lord you're the one who holds the heavens

And I believe you're holding me

Lord I believe you are holding me. 

*Shameless plug you can pre-order the bands Breath In Deep EP on their website. I promise it will bless your socks off!   

How to pray...

No doubt I believe that the scriptures are true when 1 John 5 tells us "And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him." 

• Pray for Henry. Pray that he is not fearful. That his pain would be manageable and that through all of this he will still be able to smile that big smile that melts the hearts of many. 
• Pray for Henry's team. From his Neurosurgery team down to the food service employees. These people do unbelievable things with technique and technology every day. I am grateful for these people. 
• Pray for results. Pray that this surgery will do what it needs to do in removing the fluid from his spinal cord and that we will see remarkable results and no further surgical intervention. 
• Pray for Oliver. Once again we are shuffling up his normal routine and that takes a toll on his little heart. We have tried to explain all of this to him in a way that he can understand, but these are big concepts for a 3-year-old and all he knows is that his mom and little brother are going to be gone for what seems like a really long time. 
• Pray for Nathan. He will be able to be up in Cincinnati just through Sunday and then he will come back home to resume a "normal" schedule with Oliver. I can't imagine the worry that comes from having his family in two places for longer than a day in his role as protector and provider. 
• Pray for me. Living in a hospital is hard, pray that the Lord will bring me encouragement when I need it. Pray that as a family we would be usable by God should He see a need to use us to bless or encourage someone else while we are staying at CCHMC 
• Pray for provision. I used my last vacation day to take Henry to his MRI appointment. So while we know that God will provide for our every need there is some financial stress that comes along with me taking unpaid leave. 
• Pray for our parents. They will be filling in the gap while we are gone. My parents and Nathan's parents go through a whole different roller coaster as they watch their children go through heartache and watch their grandchild go through something this big.  
• Pray that there are no significant weather events. I mean mother nature is crazy these days.  

We love you all so very much and we are grateful for each and every one of you that take time out of your busy lives to pray for us, encourage us, to love us and to walk with us. 

^"You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.’” 2 Chronicles 20:17

- Erin