Out in Public.

So this past Thursday I got brave. Real brave -- and decided to take Oliver and Henry out by myself for the first time. We went to a place in Louisville that Oliver loves called All About Kids I figured it would be the easiest place to take them by myself since I could wear Henry and then Oliver would be well entertained by the bouncy houses and the open gym.

Everything went pretty well, with the exception of a few questions about "the thing on Henry's head" -- but more on that in a minute, until it was almost time to go. I love my boys but this tag team business started way earlier than I had anticipated. Henry decided in grand fashion to have the nastiest diaper explosion of his life at the very same time Oliver decided to have a melt down of epic proportions because it was time to leave. Once I got Henry cleaned up and Oliver happy with some juice I started looking for my keys. I tore through the diaper bag and those blasted keys were no where to be found. I hate that feeling. Sheer panic started to set in. What in the world was I going to do? How were we going to get home? My Kroger plus card had enough points for 30 cents off the gallon -- and now it's with my keys in the land of lost!

So I put everything back in the diaper bag and we found our way to the front desk. At this point I had myself so worried that we were going to be stranded that the woman behind the counter looked at me with such pity. I am pretty sure&nbsp my eyes were welling up with tears, alas, no one had turned in any keys. Please keep in mind I had taken Henry out of our ergo baby carrier so I had it, our diaper bag which is a back pack, Henry and Oliver  somehow with just my two hands. I am sure it was a sight.  We headed to the car praying that my keys were locked inside of it and to my surprise they were not locked in the car because the car wasn't locked. My keys were still in the ignition. Oh. My. Word. I had left my keys in the ignition for a little over 2 hours. Here I was thinking I had this whole mom of 2 children thing down pretty well. Humble pie much? Thankfully we were in a safe part of town where no one was interested in stealing my cheerio and gold fish laced sedan.

So the biggest take away of the day is to always-- ALWAYS-- put the keys in the diaper bag before I get anyone out of the car no matter the whining, the rush or the smell. But the other thing that I took away from our outing is that being Henry's mom also requires me to be an educator. It is something that I have been praying about since Henry's birth and had been anticipating/dreading the day that it would happen. Henry's shunt and the tubing that accompanies it is very noticeable right now because Henry has no hair and, while he is a chubster, his head has little fat to disguise or hide the valves. I want to handle the questions that people have about Henry with as much grace as possible. Most of the mothers we encountered while at All About Kids  didn't ask anything; they just stared at him and at me which I almost think is worse. I assure you it is extremely difficult to remain graceful when another mother looks at you and then points to your child and says "what's that on his head?" Trying not to give it too much thought I dove right in to why Henry has a shunt and what Spina Bifida is. I would give them a few sentences and then if they had more questions I went where they wanted to take the conversation.

Once people know what the shunt it all about they either become more curious about Spina Bifida than I would have thought or they talk about their second cousin on their mother's side that dealt with Spina Bifida 25 years ago. But I feel like all anyone really wants to know about Henry is "well can he walk?" Let me just throw this out there ... I have never met a 2-month-old that can walk. :) I know people will have questions and I know that they won't always know how best to ask them so it is my hope and prayer that as our family becomes ambassadors for Spina Bifida that we do it well. I found this verse a few weeks ago and after our little outing it's a scripture that I believe needs to go in the "stack to be memorized". It's a good reminder that whatever our speech it must be with grace.

^"Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person" Colossians 4:6 

I mean aside from our little diaper explosion, melt down and lost keys extravaganza it was a pretty good trip and it severed well as a way to completely exhaust both my children. Oliver from bouncing all over the place and Henry from being on stimulation overload with all the lights and sounds of toddlers running around. Oh what an adventure it is going to be to be the mother of these two boys.

On the way home I captured this great video of Oliver trying desperately to stay awake and eat his snack, but in the end sleep won out and it was hilarious.

-Erin-

The Circus Train

When we moved into our home I wasn't sure how I would like having a double train track just behind the privacy fence. For the most part you get so used to the trains that sometimes you don't even realize they are there and I haven't had a train wake me up in the night for a good 6 months. But this week having train tracks in our backyard became cool for all of about 15 minutes as Oliver and I stood outside and literally watched the circus come to town.

I feel like seeing the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus Train in your backyard is a once in a lifetime thing so I did what any mother would do -- I woke Oliver up from his nap (I paid for it later) but we watched, and waved and we talked about Elephants and the "animal train" for the rest of the day.

 

-Erin-

North I-71...again.

Bringing Henry home was amazing; it was nothing like I could have imagined. I also couldn't imagine that just 4 days after returning home to my family Nathan and I would be headed back to Cincinnati.

To say I was frustrated about driving back up to Cincinnati is an understatement. 4 days we got to spend as a semi-normal family, just 4 days and it was heartbreaking to leave --again. For reasons unknown Henry's incision opened nearly 3 weeks post op. I have a pretty strong stomach when it comes to things that are considered gross but this was like nothing I had ever seen in my life and nothing a mother should ever see in her child. Thanks to modern technology I was able to send pictures to Henry's neurosurgeon and got a call within about 15 minutes of emailing the pictures and when I answered the phone he said "get in the car, now". 

So Henry's neurosurgeon and a plastic surgeon took him back into the OR for a third time to revise his incision and we stayed inpatient for another 8 days. This hospital stay was VERY different. We didn't get to go back to the NICU we went to the neurosurgery floor which meant I didn't leave Henry alone -- ever.  I slept, ate, showered, lived in his hospital room this time. I still think I am trying to catch up on the sleep I missed. Any one who has spent a night in a hospital will tell you that sleep is a sweet commodity; nurses coming in at all hours, waking up to feed and cath, taking showers at 2 am because you don't want doctors doing rounds at 6am to see you in your pajamas looking like a crazy woman become totally normal. Unlike the anticipation of bringing Henry the home the first time this time around I just felt so discouraged. 

This post would be a complete lie if I didn't acknowledge that there were several moments of this stay that I tried throwing myself a pity party. It wasn't fair. There was one night while Henry and I were there -- it was a Monday-- this particular night I was working on all the arrangements for said pity party and I remember just crying. Nathan had left the day before and I just felt helpless, alone and exhausted.  I began asking, out loud, for the Lord to send me a sign that I wasn't alone in all of this.  I needed to know that God had been hearing my prayers and that my son was going to be ok, that we were eventually going to get to go home and that some how He had not forgotten me-- that this was some how part of His plan. 

I felt led to play some music while Henry was eating at some point late that night or early the next morning so I just hit "shuffle" on my phone and what happened next was nothing short of God showing up. I had heard the song "Sing Along" by Christy Nockels a hundred times before but never before had I HEARD it like I heard it that night. 

I felt like a captive in that hospital room, I felt alone, it seemed dark but hearing this song on that night God gave me all that I needed. "From the farthest corners of the earth/ still His mercy reaches", I needed the Lord to sing to me that night, I needed to hear His heart, I needed a God sized hug, I needed to know that He had heard my cries and that He would give me the strength to keep singing and to sing along to His song. 5 minutes and 44 seconds was all I needed to be refreshed, refilled and the knowledge that indeed God hadn't forgotten us but that He was singing over us the entire time.

"The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

 

-Erin-

 

 

 

Home.

On March 14, 2013 we received Henry's discharge papers. We knew the day before that the following morning in rounds they would give us the all clear but we didn't tell anyone but a few family members because if I learned anything in the NICU it's that you take it a day at a time and I didn't want to tell the world we were coming home until Henry was buckled into his car seat. 

Rounds always started around 7:30 in the NICU and I wanted to be there for Henry's last rounds and I am so glad I was. If you have never experienced rounds before -- it's something. There can be up to 12 doctors and therapist that come around with their computers on stands and review each baby. Though out our stay in the NICU we called them the "MD Calvary" because that's exactly what it looked like. The resident "presents" Henry to the attending doctors and they talk over every single aspect of his case, his condition, his recovery right down to his big brother's name. Thinking about Henry's last rounds still brings tears to my eyes. Hearing "If there are no other questions then Henry Hinson is cleared for discharge and is to be released this morning to his mom and dad... ladies and gentleman of the G-pod, Henry Hinson is going home!" Then anyone that was within ear shot clapped and I of course cried.

Henry had never been off the monitors, had never been more then a few feet from a trained nurse or doctor, God love him the boy had never even worn pants before and now, just like that, we were taking him home. It seemed so surreal to watch the elevators doors close and realize that Henry was with me in the elevator wire free and buckled in a car seat. The first major chapter of Henry's story was ending and it was a wee bit terrifying to think I had never spent a full 24 hours with this little guy and we were about to dive head first into a life of 2 am feedings, endless diaper changes, life with two kids, and he would be free of monitors, nurses, doctors.

We were headed south on I-71 roughly 80 miles to the land of a new normal.

After an hour and a half in the car we pulled into our drive way the sun seeemed to be shinning so brightly that day. Oliver had been napping so when we got home I was able to go into his room and wake him up. His little first was full of excitement and a little confusion because I had been gone for 5 weeks, so who knows what he was actually thinking when he saw me.  Oliver wasn't able to see anything more than pictures of Henry so we had no idea how he would react. I don't even have the words to describe their first meeting -- just joy. Watching Oliver meet Henry for the first time is a moment that I will spend an eternity praising the Lord for.

I am so thankful that my mother-in-law and that my very talented friend Whitney of Whitney Knutson Photography were there to capture the moment on video and amazing pictures so that the boys will have that moment forever.

Welcome home, Henry.  (YouTube Video)

 

 

-Erin-

17 Days

17 days... that's how long Henry was in the NICU at Cincinnati Children's Hospital. While in the midst of our stay in the NICU it seemed like it was never going to end but now on this side of it I found myself saying we were "only there for 17 days". There are babies that arrived in the NICU weeks before Henry and they are probably still there. I had no idea what to expect of the stay in the NICU but I can tell you our stay in the NICU was nothing like I assumed it would be. I will never forget what it was like being in the NICU for 17 days. The sights, the sounds, the smell the experience is burned in my memory forever.

The first time I saw Henry in the NICU it hurt my heart to leave and head back to the hospital where I was still working on recovery but each day it got a little easier and a little easier. We would stay for a few hours at a time, take a break and then go back for a few more hours. I think the thing that made it easy for me to leave Henry were the nurses. These woman (and men, although Henry never did get a male nurse in the NICU) come along side of your family in the midst of the chaos and they provide stability they provide guidance. I felt a great sense of peace when I would walk away from Henry's bedside each night because I knew he was being cared for by people who cared about him. I cannot speak enough about the Doctors, Residents, Fellows and Nurses that followed Henry while in the NICU they made our stay a little less anxious.

Next to bringing Henry home the greatest thing I walked away from the NICU with was a new perspective. Simply put: Henry just has Spina Bifida. I never thought I would get to the point so quickly in this journey where I would find myself thanking the Lord for Spina Bifida. But when you spend 17 days looking around the NICU and you see babies that weigh little more than a bag of potatoes and they have tubes coming from every nuke and cranny of their tinny bodies, it changes you. You can't walk away from the experience unchanged - you just can't. You go into it not knowing what to expect but leaving with a huge dose of humility. You see other mothers sitting in the waiting room with what looks to be the weight of the world on their shoulders because they've just been told there may be no hope. Or you see babies without their mothers because they have been flown in from other cities, states, and even countries.  You hear alarms going off and nurses who go running into other pods and you find yourself just humbled before the eyes of the Lord.

I spent 17 days sitting in the NICU praying for healing over my son but finding myself also praying for healing and hope for each of the families I met while there. I know there are always going to be people who will look at our life and think "I don't know how they do it - it must be so hard." I know there are going to be hard days, hard conversations, waiting rooms, hospital rooms, MRI images and words that are too big for me to comprehend or spell, but it is my prayer that I would always ALWAYS be able to check my attitude at the door because it's just Spina Bifida. I was able to bring Henry home- not every mother that leaves the NICU has that opportunity.

"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:1-4

-Erin-

Surgery # 2

We knew after Henry's MM closer surgery that the likely hood that he would develop hydrocephalus (hydro for short) that would need to be controlled by a shunt was about 90%. Before the closer surgery Henry's body was processing cerebrospinal fluid through the opening in his back, once it was closed the excese fluid had no where to go so it started building up around Henry's brain causing the ventricles in his brain to swell.

Each day after Henry's MM closer you could see his head getting a little bigger, a little softer, and you could see he was opening his eyes less and less and eventually the pressure build up was causing Henry to have breathing problems. So they had to put him back on oxygen. It was 10 days after Henry's arrival into this world that his neurosurgeon decided a shunt needed to be installed so I watched them wheel him back into the OR for a second time. I don't care how minor the procedure or how long your child is back in an OR it is still an agonizing feeling when the nurse says "this is where you have to give your hugs an kisses".

During the 2 hour surgery Henry's neurosurgeon placed the shunt in the right lateral ventricle of Henry's brain. Henry has 3 incisions from the installation of a shunt; 2 on his head and one on his belly. The shunt sits in the ventricle and has a mechanism that essentially functions like a dam for the cerebrospinal fluid; the tube continues down the side his head, behind his ear and then eventually ends up in his stomach where the excess cerebrospinal fluid is absorbed by his body.

You could almost instantly see the change in Henry's head once the pressure was under control with the help of the shunt and each day since you can see his head decreasing in size. If I am being honest Henry's shunt makes me extremely nervous, but when you here that 85% of them fail with in the first year I guess you get the right to be nervous. My prayer is that Henry's shunt will work and that a revision isn't needed until he is older and the tube in his belly needs to be longer.

As a mom you hate hearing the words "not if his shunt fails, but when it fails...". But I also know that I can't live in fear of his shunt failing. It would be very easy for me to cling to those words and be hypervigilant in looking for signs that his shunt is failing but if I allow myself to always be looking for what's going to go wrong next I will miss the moments right in front of me. Which I think is true in other aspects of life not just when it comes to my child and his VP Shunt. I know the warning signs, I know what to look for but I need not to worry my days away with every sigh, sound or look he gives me.

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his  span of life? Luke 12:25

-Erin-

A Day of Firsts

Tuesday March 5 was a big day for me!

Holding Henry

For the first time on Tuesday March 5 I was able to hold Henry. Because he is required to be side laying or on his stomach the way they have to position him for us to be able to hold him means he has to lay right on your stomach/lap. Having just had a c-section it had just not been feasible for me to hold him comfortably because the weight of our chunky monkey was too much on my incision.

Not being able to hold Henry for almost a week was more emotional than I thought it would be. I don't really have the words to describe what it was like to hold Henry for the first time, so rather than elaborate with words what it was like, I will let a picture do the talking for me.

Catheterizing

Henry was born with a perfectly healthy urinary tract system. Because the bladder requires functional nerves in the lower spine (sacral spinal cord) in order to have control over urination only about 5 to 10% of children with spina bifida have normal urinary control and are able void spontaneously. The nerves in Henry's lower spine does have some level of paralysis. Because of the location of Henry's Spina Bifida his brain is unable to communicate to his bladder that it's time to potty.   These nerves sense bladder fullness and transmit this message to the brain. In order for Henry's bladder and kidney's to remain healthy we have to catheterize him. Which means a small, sterile, plastic tube is inserted into Henry's bladder to help him void urine.

When Nathan and I chose to have Henry's care handled by the team at Cincinnati Children's Hospital we knew that their urology department was very strict about cathing children with spina bifida early and often to prevent long term damage to the kidneys. I would say that secondary to Henry's surgical procedures this was the thing I worried about the most. Some days it would consume my thoughts when I would read about incontinence in children with Spina Bifida. And not for the reasons that one might assume. I was worried about hurting him. I am clearly not any type of medical professional so doing something like catheterizing my child freaked me out.

But as with many things in life learning to cath Henry was a teachable moment. I worried myself silly about this aspect of Henry's life and when the moment came I thought to myself: "really that's it--that's all I have to do?" My dad tells me all the time that the things I worry about never happen. Here I am just knowing that I am going to poke hole in my child or give him some deadly infection because I'm not a nurse but honestly it was EASY! And now I am pretty much a professional. How often I do this with other things in my life?!? The place that worry takes me is so far beyond what actually happens that you would think that I would have learned by now that worry gets me no where.

So all in all, March 5, 2013 will forever be remembered as a good day for this mama.

-Erin-

Surgery # 1

Less than 24 hours after Henry's introduction in this world Nathan and my dad watched doctors and nurses wheel Henry back to the operating room for the first time. Henry was born with myelomeningocele (MM) at vertebrae L3/L4. Myelomeningocele in every day terms is known as spina bifida. 

"Normally, during the first month of a pregnancy, the two sides of the spine (or backbone) join together to cover the spinal cord, spinal nerves and meninges (the tissues covering the spinal cord). Spina bifida refers to any birth defect involving incomplete closure of the spine.

Myelomeningocele is the most common type of spina bifida. It is a neural tube defect in which the bones of the spine do not completely form, resulting in an incomplete spinal canal. This causes the  spinal cord and meninges (the tissues covering the spinal cord) to stick out of the child's back." Info taken from here.

While there have been great advancements in treating MM with fetal surgery, the standard of care for  babies with spina bifida is repair at birth. To hear a surgeon talk about the MM closure is like receiving the recipe for a seven layer salad. I know that sounds really bizarre for me to compare Henry's surgery to a salad recipe but it's the only way I know to describe it. They are literally, for 2-3 hours, putting each layer of his spinal cord, meninges, the skin, etc. back in place.

The precision and execution of this surgery makes my brain hurt but I am so thankful that Henry has one of the best Neurosurgery teams in the country operating on him. I am sure if any medical expert were to read this blog they would be ashamed of the way I describe the MM closer but I am not a doctor, I am a mom and it's enough on any given day for me to remember how to even pronounce Myelomeningocele, let alone describe how Henry's neurosurgeon was putting his spinal cord back together.

Henry had his first surgery while I was still recovering from the c-section at a hospital that was a good 5 minute drive away. I guess waiting is waiting but it felt really bizarre to be so far away from your child during such an important time but later that evening I was given a pass and was able to see Henry for the first time since delivery. I never actually got to see first hand the opening in Henry's back but seeing it closed seemed like no big deal. He is now 8 days post-op from the closure procedure and he has only been able to lay on his stomach or side which makes holding him and feeding him a tad bit challenging, but we have managed.

His incision seems smaller and smaller every day. I look at it now and wonder what it will mean to Henry when he is old enough to understand all of this, but looking at it now by his bedside I am not sure it will be something that ever define who Henry is. If I have learned anything about spina bifida in the last 20 weeks of waiting to meet Henry it is that nothing is off limits. Doctors will place limits on his ability based off their experience but it takes just one wiggle of Henry's toes for those limits to have already been shattered.

Doctors have been encouraged at how quickly Henry has healed from the closure procedure and they are thrilled that he is eating upwards of 90ML (4oz) at every feeding which makes his doctors chuckle. Henry is not a young man who wants to miss a mea--he is about 3 times the size of most his neighbors in the NICU.

"As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him." 2 Samuel 22:31

 Daily I find myself taking refuge in the word of Lord because sometimes the hospital words are long and the terminology is over my head and the monitors beep numbers I don't understand but I am always reminded that the Lord's way is a perfect one and for that I am grateful.

Henry holding on to his paci and his zebra friend. 

He's Here!

Henry Jude Hinson was born on February 26, 2013 at 3:37pm. He weighs 9lbs 1oz and is 18.25 inches long. He is absolutely perfect!

God has a sense of humor and I sometimes feel as though he challenges me at every corner with said sense of humor. As many of you know my biggest weakness (I guess one of, as there are many...) is my desire to have total control of my environment. Anything monumentous that has happened in my life has not been without it's plan except for the births of my two children.

Henry's plan was that he would be delivered by c-section on Monday, March 4 at exactly 39 weeks. In my mind this was a great plan. I knew when it was coming and knew how much time I had to get ready only all that went by the wayside on Monday night. Monday night was a rough one. I "woke up" (I use quotations because I actually didn't sleep much at all Monday night) knowing that something wasn't right. I didn't feel good. I didn't feel like I should feel. But thankfully I had a neonatal stress test at 10:00 Tuesday morning so I knew that if something was wrong they would know and we would go from there. When I finally got hooked up to the NST monitors I was having contractions about 7-8 minutes a part. I drove myself to the hospital and was in labor and didn't even know it. I mean how dense does one person need to be? No wonder I didn't "feel well" I was having a baby! Keep in mind Nathan was in Louisville still because February 26 at 3:30pm was not in the plan.

Let me tell you contractions are for the BIRDS! I had never experienced any part of laboring before, and woman who do that all natural all the way, woo my hat is off to you! Around 1:00pm the maternal doctor came in and said "today was the day" and we were going to head into the OR around 2:30 so I needed to call my family and tell them to hit the road. I can't imagine what it was like for Nathan to get that call and to hurry around and drive an hour and half to get to me by 2:30. I will tell you he didn't make it at 2:30 but thankfully we weren't in an emergency situation so they waited for Nathan and just about 15 minutes later we heard Henry Jude for the first time. Much like hearing Oliver cry for the first time it was an amazing moment to think "we did it" holy cow we brought a human into this world. I remember them bringing him over to me and seeing his chubby cheeks but not much after that. I know at some point Henry and Nathan left for the NICU at Good Sam to get Henry ready for transport to Children's Hospital.

About 2 hours after Henry was born we said our goodbyes as he was taken to Children's Hospital and set up residence in their NICU.  Like no other time in my life i was so thankful for medication that day. It made that goodbye much much easier.

Henry continues to do really well in his recovery. Doctors are watching the size of his ventricles closely as it is a good possibility that Henry is going to require a second surgery to place a shunt to help his body process the excess spinal fluid. He had another ultrasound of his head today and we are waiting to get those results. Again it's very likely Henry is going to need a shunt it's just a matter of when they insert it but it will probably be towards the end of next week.

We know that in all things God is in control and have been so encouraged by Henry's first few days here on this earth!

More now than ever before does Psalm 139 bring me great comfort... I know that as much as I already love this chunky monkey, the Father above loves him even more! God says so in His word: "For you created [Henry] in my inmost being: you knit [Henry] together in my womb. I praise you because [Henry] is fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. [Henry's] frame was not hidden from You when he was made in the secret place. When [Henry] was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw his unformed body. All the days ordained for him were written in your book before even one of them came to be."

All that to say that Henry is perfect in every way imaginable!

Relocation

I assure you I have not given up on this blog...I have however given up the ideal that I will be able to keep it as current as I once thought I could. I will be 37 weeks pregnant on Monday and let me tell you what ... it is kickin' my butt! For the last 3 to 4 weeks I have had little energy to come home and do much more then read a few books with Oliver and watch,  my 10,000th episode of Mickey Mouse Club House...but I digress... I imagine in the coming days and weeks there are going to be lots of posts as Henry is scheduled to be delivered in a mere 2 weeks time and I'll just be hanging out. It is my goal that once he is here that I will update often so that people know how to pray and how all of us are adjusting!

I think for the most part I have been in denial about the "relocation" portion of this pregnancy. It has always seemed so far off into the distance but I can assure when I roll out of our drive way tomorrow  at 3:30pm eastern standard time it will not be far off--it will be the here and now. Leaving the loves of my life for an unknown amount of time overwhelms me to the point of speechlessness, and those who know me well or really anyone that has met me once would find this statement hard to believe. But it's here. It's go time. How in the world did 9 months go by so quickly?

When I was pregnant with Oliver people would tell me over and over "oh this is the easy part" and I would politely smile all the while in my head I would be giving them this grand lecture about how losing the ability to put your own shoes on is not the easy part. But now that I have Oliver, they were right, pregnancy is the easy part. The last several days in my quiet time I have come to the realization that the easiest part of Henry's life is coming to a close; as long as he is on the inside he is safe, he is protected, he doesn't have to undergo who knows how many surgeries and procedures, and then I don't have to experience the heartache that will be watching my child go through these difficult things. It's also not been lost on me in the last several days that God responds to us this very same way. God doesn't allow His children to stay in places where things are easy. He tests us, He molds us, He forces us to face a world, that at times, may be unkind to us.

My friend Tyler, through her journey with her sweet son Owen,  often shares excerpts from a devotional called Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman, I always found it fascinating how this devotional met Tyler right were she was and offered her such comfort. When we found out about Henry's condition I started reading it each morning and it has done the same for me.

Here is a portion of today's reading: "Even the fact that we face a trial proves that there is something very precious to our Lord in us, or else He would not spend so much time and energy on us. Christ would not test us if He did not see the precious metal of faith mingled with the rocky core of our nature, and it is to refine us into purity and beauty that He forces us through the fiery ordeal."

Leaving Nathan and Oliver is nothing short of God forcing me through the fiery ordeal, but never once does it talk about Him leaving me to deal with it on my own. God reminds me He is providing our strength through the prayers and encouragement of many, some from people we've never met, God reminds me through a gift shop window that He has been at every appointment, every stress test, every ultrasound and He isn't going away anytime soon.

I know that the Lord doesn't take pleasure in seeing His children go through trials, but He sends us through them to refine our faith, to make us stronger but most importantly to glorify His name. So tomorrow afternoon when I leave the two most important people to me to make the trip to Cincinnati, I will do so knowing that God has called me to this time of testing. God has called my family to this because Henry matters to God, because I matter to God, because Oliver matters to God, because Nathan matters to God and through our story someone else is going to realize that they, too, matter to God.

"2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:2-3


-Erin-

Satan Sucks.

Excuse the title, but it most articulately describes how I feel at the moment. Right now satan had better hope that that whole rapture thing is accurate because if he has to reign on the earth for 7 years and I'm left here to deal it - he will rue the day. Henry will be here in 8 weeks, holy cow, and as I watch the calendar and see the days flying by satan has amped up his game and I have had about enough of it. I have this little voice that likes to creep into my head and say things like: you're not ready, you're not strong enough, why us, I'm scared, that's a huge hospital bill, etc. These thoughts are natural, but if I allow myself to dwell on them for even a moment satan has a foothold.  Then *BOOM* I can feel myself rolling down off the mountain top right into the valley surrounded by all my hurt, fear, anxiety and anger and it can be extremely hard to get through the valley if you think you're doing it on your own.

One of the best sermons I have ever heard was by Brady Boyd; he is the pastor of the church I attended while I lived in Colorado Springs. He spent weeks going through Psalm 23, he went verse by verse and when we got to verse 4 (...even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil...) he said something that will stay with me forever: "...in this life we will walk through dark valleys. Sometimes these valleys can be an hour long, a day long, a yearlong, who knows, but just because you are in a valley doesn't mean you get to pitch your tent there."  Every day I am forging through valleys and trying even harder to not be tempted to "pitch my tent".

This is the first time in my life that I have recognized satan taking a personal interest in seeing me fail. For weeks and months I have been spiritually strong and, I believe, right where the Lord has intended me to be and now with just weeks left before Henry makes his grand entrance all of this overwhelms me sometimes to the point of tears. I want to pitch my tent, I need rest and I am growing weary of this spiritual battle.

But this is what I love about my God: just when my will is failing me - He picks me up. I went to church this past Sunday just completely drained because the end of last week was a tough one.  I have always been a person that gets more out of worshiping through music than any other part of the service. The opening song on Sunday was "Whom Shall I Fear" by Chris Tomlin. I would have dropped to my knees in praise after the very first verse, but I knew I probably wouldn't have been able to get my very pregnant self up gracefully, so I stood with arms outstretched praising 'the God of angel armies' with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I am human, my strength is going to fail me. Yes, pitching my tent would be the easy way out. It would be easy for me to get angry over little things, be bitter at what's been thrown our way or to just completely shut down, but who wants to live like that? That's not a life I want for me, my marriage or for my children. I have to be on guard, which at times can be the hardest thing in the world to muster up strength for, and satan knows it. I have learned to spot satan when he is tempting me to pitch my tent and I drown out his annoying little voice with the song above or one of my favorite scriptures: "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you." 2 Chronicles 20:17.

I have learned three very important lessons this last few weeks: one, sometimes forging through a valley doesn't mean just taking it one day at a time; it sometimes means taking it a minute at a time. Two, we may find ourselves in valleys more then we'd like, but while we're there we have to keep moving forward and keep looking and listening for God to encourage us through whatever it is we have found ourselves in. And three, I have found that when you go up against the enemy armed with the sword and shield of the Lord he backs off rather quickly. 'Through trouble linger still, whom shall I fear?' Absolutely nothing because my strength is found in the name of the Almighty.

-Erin-