To say I was frustrated about driving back up to Cincinnati is an understatement. 4 days we got to spend as a semi-normal family, just 4 days and it was heartbreaking to leave --again. For reasons unknown Henry's incision opened nearly 3 weeks post op. I have a pretty strong stomach when it comes to things that are considered gross but this was like nothing I had ever seen in my life and nothing a mother should ever see in her child. Thanks to modern technology I was able to send pictures to Henry's neurosurgeon and got a call within about 15 minutes of emailing the pictures and when I answered the phone he said "get in the car, now".
So Henry's neurosurgeon and a plastic surgeon took him back into the OR for a third time to revise his incision and we stayed inpatient for another 8 days. This hospital stay was VERY different. We didn't get to go back to the NICU we went to the neurosurgery floor which meant I didn't leave Henry alone -- ever. I slept, ate, showered, lived in his hospital room this time. I still think I am trying to catch up on the sleep I missed. Any one who has spent a night in a hospital will tell you that sleep is a sweet commodity; nurses coming in at all hours, waking up to feed and cath, taking showers at 2 am because you don't want doctors doing rounds at 6am to see you in your pajamas looking like a crazy woman become totally normal. Unlike the anticipation of bringing Henry the home the first time this time around I just felt so discouraged.
This post would be a complete lie if I didn't acknowledge that there were several moments of this stay that I tried throwing myself a pity party. It wasn't fair. There was one night while Henry and I were there -- it was a Monday-- this particular night I was working on all the arrangements for said pity party and I remember just crying. Nathan had left the day before and I just felt helpless, alone and exhausted. I began asking, out loud, for the Lord to send me a sign that I wasn't alone in all of this. I needed to know that God had been hearing my prayers and that my son was going to be ok, that we were eventually going to get to go home and that some how He had not forgotten me-- that this was some how part of His plan.
I felt led to play some music while Henry was eating at some point late that night or early the next morning so I just hit "shuffle" on my phone and what happened next was nothing short of God showing up. I had heard the song "Sing Along" by Christy Nockels a hundred times before but never before had I HEARD it like I heard it that night.
I felt like a captive in that hospital room, I felt alone, it seemed dark but hearing this song on that night God gave me all that I needed. "From the farthest corners of the earth/ still His mercy reaches", I needed the Lord to sing to me that night, I needed to hear His heart, I needed a God sized hug, I needed to know that He had heard my cries and that He would give me the strength to keep singing and to sing along to His song. 5 minutes and 44 seconds was all I needed to be refreshed, refilled and the knowledge that indeed God hadn't forgotten us but that He was singing over us the entire time.
"The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
This post would be a complete lie if I didn't acknowledge that there were several moments of this stay that I tried throwing myself a pity party. It wasn't fair. There was one night while Henry and I were there -- it was a Monday-- this particular night I was working on all the arrangements for said pity party and I remember just crying. Nathan had left the day before and I just felt helpless, alone and exhausted. I began asking, out loud, for the Lord to send me a sign that I wasn't alone in all of this. I needed to know that God had been hearing my prayers and that my son was going to be ok, that we were eventually going to get to go home and that some how He had not forgotten me-- that this was some how part of His plan.
I felt led to play some music while Henry was eating at some point late that night or early the next morning so I just hit "shuffle" on my phone and what happened next was nothing short of God showing up. I had heard the song "Sing Along" by Christy Nockels a hundred times before but never before had I HEARD it like I heard it that night.
I felt like a captive in that hospital room, I felt alone, it seemed dark but hearing this song on that night God gave me all that I needed. "From the farthest corners of the earth/ still His mercy reaches", I needed the Lord to sing to me that night, I needed to hear His heart, I needed a God sized hug, I needed to know that He had heard my cries and that He would give me the strength to keep singing and to sing along to His song. 5 minutes and 44 seconds was all I needed to be refreshed, refilled and the knowledge that indeed God hadn't forgotten us but that He was singing over us the entire time.
"The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
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